Pinball

Lurking in the shadows
glowing mysteriously
blinking
beckoning
flashing
flirting
calling out my name



The pinball machine kaching


comforts me
shape has seen no change
rules remain the same
and I know how to play this game


kaching kaching
in go my quarters
out comes the ball


silver and small
hard and round
built for distance and speed


pull the trigger
let it pop
adrenaline
anticipation
greed


blink
flash
ping 
ding


the ball flies into the field
I flip the flippers and whack the ball
trying to control it's destiny
every time I whack that ball it bounces into something else
and bounces into something else
only to bounce into something else
or speed curiously around a metal curve
or down a glistening rail


where is it going
what is it doing
the chaos is driving me


flapping and flipping
and banging and bucking
the sinister sneaky thing


I've lost control
the ball got away
it's rolling
exhausted
frenzied
dismayed
down the main drag
toward the exit


hoping
praying
desperately praying
to not get hit again
to end he cruelty
and not be forced to play again

Eventually the ball gets swallowed whole into a gaping hole.



So, do you ever really win this game? 


Never. 


Noone ever wins this game and you are all fools for playing.

Mystery Dan

Last night I was lying on top of my sister's bed...staring up at the ceiling...feeling very small and lonely...I found myself missing Dan...very much. I found myself wishing I had his warm body to snuggle up against and his strong arms around me to let me know I wasn't alone and I was safe. I didn't think about his beer belly...or his loud snore. I missed his smell, warmth and comforting presence...and I missed his voice, masculine and boyish in the same breath. It suddenly occurred to me that I have this feelig of "missing Dan" all the time...and I have been trying desperatly to escape it because it hurts so much that he can be so close to me and yet so far away...and then somehow I remembered that before he was a cool, hardened perfect husband and father, he was a mystery that I wanted to uncover. He was this big, beefy, happy, friendly guy that was trying to hide his fragility...and it was his fragility and the mystery of that delicate soul that intrigued me.

I do love him...and I want to know him but I think after 20 years of trying to uncover him I have grown weary and decided that perhaps there is nothing to discover...but I think I am wrong. I think he is still a mystery to me...and to himself.

Rapunzel

WHO AM I?

In no particular order:

mother
daughter
sister
wife

lover
artist
musician
poet

scholar
puzzle solver

appreciator of beautiful things

lover of animals
rider of horses
keeper of two gorgeous dogs

culinary master
fabulous entertainer
writer of insight to pain

naive optimist
romantice pessimist
jogger to run from the strain

life of the party
daily napper
trying to hold off insane

very fast driver
very meak eater
doesn't eat breakfast or lunch

lightening fast fingers play dizzying runs and
pound chords with a powerful punch

long legs, athletic and lean
luscious lips, Colgate smile
but stomach could use a tuck

tight butt
cute little eyes
long thick and silky mane

Head turner
Eye catcher
Charming and quirkily keen

Coordinated mover
Awesome dancer
Clumsy and hates to clean

Always looks great
Always knows what to say
Everyone wants to be near her

Often feels sad
Helpless and bad
Just wants someone to get her

Ultimate romantic
Really a skeptic
of truly eternal love

Constantly seeking
hoping and keeping
a vigile for substance and depth

Believes in mind over matter
destiny and fate
Where there's a powerful will there's a way

But stuck in a tower
protected from harm
She doesn't know how to get down

Lived in denial
Now seeing the trial
that lies up the road just ahead

Terrified
Petrified
Immobilized by comfort and name

I am Rapunzel
I let down my hair
But I know that not even a prince
can climb up this mane
and take me from here
and a little bit closer to there

So Rapunzel Rapunzel
Take up that hair
Stop crying and making a fuss
your smart and resourceful
good and kind
you can get yourself down from here

Symphonic Soliloquey

The orchestra plays with synergy
instruments fused in sound
zig zagging through space
following some mysterious time

entangling each body
and confusing every mind
a complex rhapsody is played
of the mixed up crazy kind

But if pay you attention
and listen very close
you might feel the isolated ring
of hammer hitting string

block out all the other sounds
a b c d e
major
minor
a dissonant one liner
my lonely piano pleas

don't listen to the harmony
or skip to the refrain
just feel me in this melody
of cadence chord and key

I'm playing all these endless notes
in proper rythmic time
Masking my confusion
all is not sublime

ebony and ivory voice words I cannot sing
It's the shouting of profanities
a constant throbbing sting

regrettfulness and pain
run desperatly through the scales
and anger hurt resentment
pound out a viscious tale

I'm playing out a simple tune
of single piano notes
It's a sad sad secret melody
it's my symphonic soliloquey

Response to Debbie's Text

My sister sent me a text today.

She said, "I LOVE YOU! Be strong. Find happiness from within not from outside. Figure out what would provide MEANING to you personally (besides your kids). It will not come from attention and approval of others. But rather will require deep soul searching."

Yes. She is wise. But...isn't that the big question everyone is trying to answer? What will make me happy? A big career? Big house house? A big car?...to be perfectly honest, I think what would make me happy is to find that special someone who fulfills me. I think she was trying to tell me to not need someone else to make me happy...but I think the truth of the matter is everyone needs someone to complete them because noone can be everything in themselves.

I seem to have everything. I have a sincere, loyal husband, 3 amazing children and 2 beautiful dogs. I have a nice house in a nice town in a nice neighborhood. I have a nice car and a cool job that I don't need and I can quit any time. I have tons of hobbies and interests with which I pursue with vigor, I have a house full of beautiful things and a closet full of stylishness, I have tons of amazing friends, several with whom I can really confide...I have siblings with whom I am practically connected at the hips and parents who live nearby...what I don't have is a special person in my life that interests, stimulates, challenges and motivates me. I don't have someone who makes me feel alive and for whom I do the same. I don't have someone who makes me feel complete. I feel hollow. I feel lonely and bored...almost all the time. I feel so empty.

I love my huband. He is a wonderful man...But is he the guy for me??

I don't know.







I thought love didnt matter. I thought there is no such thing as a person with whom one can connect with for the rest of their lives. I basically thought marriage was a living arrangement. I still dont know if that special lifelong connection with someone exists. But, now, what I have discovered that it is neccessary and important to be with someone that gives their lives emotional, intellectual and physical satisfaction...someone with whom there is a profound connection on many levels and with whom there is room for change and growth...as life is maleable and so is love.





It seems that without love, life, no matter how perfect it may appear on paper, is tasteless. I feel a lack of motivation, strength, patience...





I suppose in the end, noone can really tell how things will turn out...but I think if you start with the finest ingrediants the end result is more likely to be paletable...and something you'll want to ingest over and over and over again.

Fog

Like water,
she is obvious in every way
and the sustenance of every life.
She nourishes, heals and rejuvenates
(but she can also destroy)
She goes with the flow, moving effectively
to find a new path as obstacles arise.
She is difficult to control and always in a rush
to get where she doesn't know she's going.

He, on the other hand,
is invisible to the eye
yet obvious to the senses
as nothing can be without he.
There is nothing to hold
but you need his touch.
He is real and always present.
He is the simplest necessity for life.
He is like the air.

Every once in a while,
Water mixes with Air.
In these moments
Air becomes visible -
a mysterious fog moving about
define by the moisture
who snuck into his house...

There is comfort in this coolness,
as for the briefest of moments we hovor in this tranquil state - 
this peaceful, gloomy state - 
the density of our entanglement

Fog

But the fog is transitory.
It's a temporary veil
behind which reality is hazy
and the sun waits insistently on the other side,  
where the the horizon disappears 
and the present feels innocuously sticky
yet unbearably offensive...

The Salmon

A salmon swims upstream
struggling to make her way
past the rapid currents
that threaten to sweep her away

Her mind would reason loudly
with urgency and pain
Don't go there
just stay here
with familiarity and comfort near

Yet she could not mute that voice inside

insisting she take the plight

begging her to travel the extra mile

Despite the rationale of thinking
and the un-logicalness of feeling
she heads up the river backwards
forward into her life

So toward the river's basin
she fights a valient war
in a desperate attempt at happiness
she struggled very far

In the end her mind was right
her demise was at the end
but the very interesting thing is
her heart, it turns out was also right
she died in her own true skin

Drifing

I am drifting in a vast and seamless sea
lost and alone with just my thoughts and me

There is no wind
and barely a wave
but I am moving toward something -
something out there

Where the current is taking me
I dont know
and that's the disquieting part
You see,
If I could get me over there
I would...for sure, I would

But there is no wind in these hollow sails
to take me further from here
and closer to there

Loco

Yesterday evening I went down to the cellar to get a gallon of milk. I happened to spy something strange out of the corner of my eye. It was something floating around in the jug of water I keep down there to fill up the dogs' water dish. Through my peripheral vision it looked sorta like the nose of one of those moles with the weird looking noses that looks kinda like a flower. I tried to ignore it because we had company upstairs...but it was so strange I had to invstigate. Hmmm....are those feet?...fur...kinda puffy looking...what could it be??? is it a toy? what kinda toy?...those feet look so familiar...I stood there quizically...confused...studying this thing floating in the water...trying to decide what toy it was...and then it hit me like a ton of bricks...

OMG! Loco is DEAD!

Loco was our hampster. He was our second hampster to be specific. He was a little crazy (hence the name). He was a white and tan Russian long-haired hampster. We have had him for almost 2 years and in those 2 years he escaped from his cage at least a dozen times (our first hampster, Hammy, only escaped once).

In the past we always found Loco...usually in some strange place. For example, once on a freezing cold, winter day, I opened the exterior door to the playroom and there he was sitting outside the door. So I scooped him up, wrapped him in a face cloth and tucked him in his cage with some fresh food and warm water. Another time when I came home from work, I opened the refridgerator to get a snack (it was about 1am). I looked down and there he was...sitting by the bottom of the fridge. So I scooped him up and put him back in his cage with some fresh food and water. There have been a number of times when friends have spied him amidst the chaos of one of our friendly gatherings where children ranging in age from 2-10 are running amuck in our home and adults are socializing and getting drunk. There were the occassions when one of the boys would feel something wobbling across their bodies in the night and wake to find Loco snuggling up to them in the dark.

Well...Looks like curiosity finally got the hampster. Sorry it had to end that way Loco...But it seems like a rather appropriate ending to an adventerous life.

We love you Loco...see you on the flip side dude.

e

I thought it would make it better
and it does...
for a little while,
but in the end it only makes everything worse

I should quit it now
forget it somehow
and learn to live without

but the craving is so intense
I cant bare to face that
alone
a lone
al one
one
on e
e

just me

e

The Sea

I must escape to the sea again
The vast and wonder filled sea
where all I need is the open air
and a star to guide me to thee


Briney sea spray on my face
Salty wind, a cool embrace
Rocking, swaying, current playing
Yielding sweet release


Please
Stop this painful yearning
constant agitated burning
Meet me in the sea
I plee
where all we need is a tall ship and star to let us be

Lessons Learned

Pleasure turns to pain but a lesson's learned from the strain of the questions burned in my brain about whether love is humane in its touch .

These thoughts are like whirlpools created by the tears of deceit and my mind is possessed by the demons that have been the overseers of my enslavement to these lies. The seas of these lies rack me so. So deeply that they've cracked the very foundation of what we once shared.

You see, I had sealed the truth of us long ago and now it is threatening to gush out like a river from a broken damn with an improvised seal. The strength of its current is ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts as violently and as brutally as that of a child being taken from his mother's arms.
I am struggling to preserve what we created with the intensity of the heat of our intertwined bodies while struggling to pluck Eros' arrow from the vessel of my devotion.

But seperation is not as simple as the distance that has come between us.

I am left surrounded in darkness.

My loneliness is like the night air -
Invisible to the eye
Obvious to the touch.
It is cold uncomfortableness.

Yet, if I could do it all over again
Would I do it just the same,
despite the pain,
in this same skin I'm in.

I don't know.

But what now?

Do I lay down and let love lie?
Just stay down and let love die?

No
no
no not I...
I am gonna let love fly.
For even though I've seen it in it's darkest form
nothing else...no nothing else
can feel as warm or taste as sweet.

Lonely Pants Pocket Slumber

I am like a forgotten balloon neglected in the pocket of your pants.

I am sitting here out of sight...out of mind...lost, lonely and sad.
I am waiting...hoping...willing you to discover me.

The only thing that keeps me from utter despair is my silly optimism that at some unpredictable moment, the touch of your hand will reconstitute me and your mouth will blow life into me as your breath inflates my spirit.

Then, I will become the prized possession of one special boy.
I will be full and round and happy...
floating on the air you exhaled.

Alas.

I know.

Something will come along and persuade your attention away from me.
You will not tie that knot to keep me full and round.

So,deflated, flattend, and lifeless,
I will go back into the pocket of your pants.

As I am now...

waiting...

for your hand to reawaken me...
for your mouth to revive me...
and your breath to rejuvenate me
from this lonely pants pocket slumber.

Just us

If I was just me
and you were just you
might we be just us together?

Sweet Escape

A sweet escape from every day
a few stolen hours
I wish I could stay
released from security
relinquished from sanity
normal
unextraordinary
disappears
emerging now is this new place
a profusion of tantalizing things
Inhale - breath deep
this is serenity
Exhale - blow hard
that is vitality
see
touch
taste
hear
but don't think
no think

Hair Clot saves the Day

I don't know how it happens that even though I am very careful not to let my long, thick, black hair slip down the sink drain, it still manages to get down there. Every once in a while the hair will slow down the drain enough that I have to pour some Drain-O down there or have the sink opened up to remove the offensive mass.

I've always thought that the hair downt he drain was a bad thing...but now I am thinking it might not be such a terrible thing. It has an upside - believe it or not.

A couple of months ago I dropped an earring down the drain. It was a small "X" shape earring of diamonds...it is a small earring but it is expensive - the pair cost about $1000...so each earring costs about $500. I was sure that the earring was gone, being so small...but I couldn't stand the thought of flushing $500 into the sewers So I asked Dan to open up the sink. Sure enough, my earring was caught in a gunky black ball of hair.

Now just a moment ago I went upstairs to discover that C had spit out his Kim-Pap (basically sushi without anything in it but rice) into the sink. THe sink was clogged up by the Kim-pap mess. I was too lazy to look for the Drain-O so I took my tweezers and tried to pick out some of the rice and seaweed. Well. I ended up picking out some black hair with rice chunked up in it...and Yup...the hair, once again kept the pipes clear.

See, hair in the drain can be a good thing.

I better get up and there replace the hair I just plucked out lest something else should try to glide down my sink!

This is pathetic. I can't believe this is interesting enough to me to post. UghhhhH!

Newlywed Game

Ok Kiddies. Here is the Game...20 Questions for the Newlyweds (Jas and Prof). Jas and Prof will answer the questions by how they think the other would respond.

1) How does he/she take his/hers coffee (So Jas, tell me how Prof takes her coffee and vice versa...get the game??)

2) Is he/she a morning person or a night person

3) What kind of car does he/she drive

4) Does he/she adhere to the speed limit

5) How long does he/she take in the shower

6) What is his/her favorite food...favorite drink

7) What kind of soap does he/she use

8) What kind of shampoo

9) What would he/she say is the thing the he/she likes the most about you

10) What would he/she say is the thing that annoys her/him most about you

11) If you guys really met in person the first time, how would you have met

12) If you guys really dated...tell me about your first date with each other

13) Where does he/she hides his/her stash ...and what kind of stash is it

14) Is he/she a saver or a spender

15) What would he/she do with a $10,000

16) What is the one possession of his/hers that you absolutly detest but he/she would kill you if you threw it away

17) Who wears the pants in the house

18) What is his/her ultimate weakness

19) How would he/she describe you

20) How will you spend the holidays (if you were spending it together as a married coupled)

jibberish

fumbling
tumbling
through the night
mumbling jibberish
important stuff
put it down
tuck me in
safe
not sound

I had another dream about you cheating ob me last night...I think maybe that;s why I feel like such a zombie - feeling crazy all night - actually it wasn't all night 0 it was the last part of this morningSexy Gal: you were sleeping with Lisa ...Dunbar's ex...Sexy Gal: I was at college...but I was planning to transfer to a military academy and I was nervous about it...not sure if I could handle it - and I was really worried because I can't do chin ups...and then I called you at home and for some reason you like left the speaker phone onSexy Gal: and I could hear everything you guys were talking about - at first it was like you had a bunch of friends over...then I could hear from the conversation that you and lisa had a relationship so I went nutz with anger - I had to get to Tewksbury...and my brother happened to be around and he had his car...Sexy Gal: but he didnt feel like drivig me to Tewks.Sexy Gal: but he said I could take his car...Sexy Gal: and I was stressed about wasting time getting to the car and getting home - just wanted to get therSexy Gal: and then I lost the keys and couldnSexy Gal: couldn't find my room key and college idSexy Gal: and so I was so determined to get home that I decided to run home...Daniel Kelliher: that is wierd...Lisa Cafagno????Sexy Gal: but I had to run through SOmerville but I took a wrong turn someplaceSexy Gal: Y - CafagnoSexy Gal: and ended up in Jamaica Plane...but I met up with Greg - a guy from high schoolSexy Gal: and he was going to show me the waySexy Gal: we took a pit stop in the mansionSexy Gal: and went way way up stairs...the mansion was sort of worn but you could tell in its day it was quite regal and austere...the people inside were the same - srt of dusty looking and cothes faded a bit...Daniel Kelliher: so you cheated on meDaniel Kelliher: with GregSexy Gal: he put me in this chair that had some sort of electric buzzie sensation and it spun me around really really fastSexy Gal: no neverSexy Gal: and when it was done spinning I was lacquared and sparkling wth gold dustSexy Gal: then I was like I need to get home so I left greg and met up with some random lady in some plaze in JP and she said she could give me directionsSexy Gal: and she was leading me through tthe mall to exit through another entrance and I suddenly rememebered I frgot my pocketbookSexy Gal: so I ran back but there were tons of pocketbooks and these 3 black girls rummaging through them so I knew my bag was goneSexy Gal: now I had lost that lady as well so I was again lost and desperate to get homeSexy Gal: so I exited the mall and decided I might be able to figure it out but it was starting to get late now and by the time I got to Tewksbury Lisa would probably have gone home and there would be nothing to catch you in the act of so but I could still at least confront you in personSexy Gal: oso then I ended up in another mansion...this time it was a really fancy austere like castle - again I was on the top floor working my way down but I slid all the way down the railing - like 10 floors...past I think2 grand pianos with fancy ladies sitting there playing and singing...they were like wearig beautiful ball gowns and hair wigs ad jewls...like in Mozart daysSexy Gal: and I was dressed like that period too but more ordinary but not raggedy...but I had no shoes...Sexy Gal: and I walked past several servants who didnt seem to notice that I didn't quite fit in...and I tried to exit through a door and they thought I too was a queen of some sort...Sexy Gal: but the door I tried was locked and I had no shoes and there was snow all ove rhte ground...Sexy Gal: but the didn't seem to notice my shoes...Sexy Gal: or lack thereofDaniel Kelliher: this was all early this morn?Sexy Gal: and they managed to unlock the door for me and I ran out and decided I should give up going to Tewksbury and just head back tot eh dormSexy Gal: Y - last dream before I got upSexy Gal: but the streets were slushy and wet and cold and snowy and muddySexy Gal: and I had white socks onSexy Gal: and the way back was all uphill so I couldn't run I had to trudge and I was soooo exhausted and I was worried if I went to military academy your affair with Lisa would flourish into a real relationship and I was thinking I couldn't handle military academy anyways...bt I thought it was too late to back out...Sexy Gal: and I think that is when I woke up...trying to climb up the big crumble, dirt and slush and mud and snowy hilly roadSexy Gal: crazy...huh? and I actually left out a lot of detail because too long to tellSexy Gal: I feel a little more awake now that I retold my dreamDaniel Kelliher: yeah...that is crazy

Blink

It was a whilrwind of a fairly uneventful summer that started and ended in the blink of an eye.

The days were long and the weeks were short.

They were filled with the dizzying cacophony of little boy whoops and hollars as slender sticks sliced through the thickness of summer's heat.

It was a season of mastering marvelous maneuvers - how to ride a bike with no feet...no butts..."Look Mom - No Hands!". It was a summer of flying leaps into deep, dark waters...cartwheeling, flipping and tumbling across long, lush lawns.

It was a sticky summer of cool, creamy ice cream gliding down tan, smooth, arms and veiny popsicle rivers curving curiously...deliciously down soft round bellies.

It was a summer of chasing dogs and catching frogs...collecting dragon flies in glass jars with holes poked through the lid.

It was an experimental summer of observing spiders climbing up silken threads and watching piles of tiny ants scrambling over morsels of abandoned sweets - what will happen if we poke this stick at them...what will happen if we blow on them...what will happen if we slop some spit on them - watch them scatter...watch them flee...so fast...so furious...so delightfully devious.

It was a messy summer of mud wrestling after torential rains and splashing through giant puddles of water...digging holes to the center of the earth and constructing crumbly communities of coastal castles.

It was a magical summer of rainbows glistening in the spray of a garden hose...butterflies flitting and floating miraculously on a delicate summer breeze...finding long, lost treasures on an abandoned beach.

It was a summer without structure...without order...without rules and regulations.

It was a summer in which no one got lost...no one got injured...and everyone was blissfully, happily hot.

It was over in the blink of an eye.

School has re-opened and activities begun. The days are growing shorter and the weeks feel very long as the hectic schedule of reality shuffles us along.

We're following schedules and obeying rules...minding our manners and controlling our urges...yet in the blink of an eye someone got hurt.

Life happens in the blink of an eye - and so too shall it end.