Closet Rebel

So, I've been looking at some different BLOGs. Wow, there are some really interesting people out there. Where are all these interesting people hiding?

As you know, I am a stay-at-home mom. I live in a suburban utopia full of June Cleavers and Martha Stewarts...and it can be soooooo boooooring!

Everybody looks similar, drives a minivan, and does and says acceptable things. Everybody's house is immaculately clean and their children are well groomed. Nobody yells at their children or lets them feast on crap or watch TV all day. And most of all, everyone seems completely happy and content...Except me.

It's true, I conform to all of the above...Most of the time. But really, I just want something interesting to happen. So, every once in a while, I like to throw a little something into the water - watch it ripple, see if I can make someone hesitate, or fumble, or even better turn red and gasp (to be honest, it doesn't take much).

I find myself "fessing up" to little things - like, for breakfast the boys had waffles with strawberries...and ice cream...and chocolate syrup; I have a couple glasses of wine at night...and 2 or 3 martinis on Wednesdays and a bottle on Fridays and a bottle on Saturdays; when the boys really drive me nutz, I put them in a safe place and sit outside for 10 minutes to clear my head...and smoke; I shave my arms...and other places too; I bought my husband a lap dance...and felt up a stripper...

I know - gasp!

But in my world, this is truly shocking behavior.

I guess I throw these things out there, hoping that somebody will say - "oh, I've done that too" - or better yet, "I do that regularly and I smoke pot and I work the corner for extra cash". I just want to see if anyone is willing to admit that they are not perfect parents and don't do everything by the book. I just want to know that I am not negligent, careless or crazy. I just want to find someone that has something to talk about other than the kids or the house or someone else's kids or someone else's house - someone who is still a person other than that parental person. I am looking for reality and substance (not that feeding kids sugar, drinking or smoking give one substance, but, at least I would know that they are real...and not afraid to be real).

Ok.

You got me.

I guess I'm afraid to be "real" too.

But I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of being "real" or being "perfect". When asked by my doctor why I continue to smoke cigarettes, I replied, "It's my rebellion against being the perfect mother". That's right, I am a Closet Rebel. I do everything just so - and I have been called "Martha" on more than a few occasions. But when noone is looking I do unspeakable things like smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, and buy lap dances!

The thing is, I never wanted to be the stay-at-home mom, living this suburban utopia. I used to call it suburban hell. I used to think that stay-at-home moms were lazy, unmotivated, soap opera watching, pampered pooches. It scares me to hell that I might be that person.

But I don't watch soap operas...EVER! So I guess I'm ok then.

Now, I don't want you all to think I hate my life. Actually, I LOVE my Life! I have a very great life. I have to say, I think my life is so near perfect - only hitting Megabucks could improve it. It's just that it scares and completely disgusts me that this life is what I strive for daily.

So, forgive me, Pre-parental Eileen, for becoming June Cleaver - but I hope I am not what you thought I would be...I hope you think I am interesting...and I hope I make you proud of your life.