It Wasn't Rape

We were at the beach. Me and all my friends form high school. I think it was like after prom or something. We rented a house, all of us. I didn't see who was at the house with me but I knew who was there - it was Angela, Dianne, Serina, Rachel, Joe G.., Joe C and the whole NHS crowd. They had dumped their things and gone to the beach. I was inside the house and going to meet them in a momement. I know that last night, when we arrived at the house, we had a huge, HIUGE crazy party and we all got wasted and crashed. The house had that after party feeling...and I knew that there would be plenty more of those parties all week long. The house was right along the main strip so lots of people walking along the boardwalk would stop in to join the party...even though the house had a reputation.

From the outside the house was big and white, a well kept victorian house. Inside it seemed quite small anda little run down. Btu I thought it didn't seem too dirty. I was in the kitchen. It was cramped. Small and narrow and dark. There was a small window above the sink with a cafe curtain. Thin, dingy, white with red edging - like the kind you might buy at Walmart. It was still so I knew the window was closed. There was no sunshine coming in through the window, just a little, very little natural light from the daylight outside. The windows were old looking - ythe glass looked like it needed to be cleaned but even still they probably wouldn't be crystal clear. THere was a storage closet at the back of the small narrow kitchen, no door, I could see a broom and n ew there were other cleaning supplies in there. The floors in the klitchen were worn down, dingy vinyl, curling up at the edges. The walls were dingy off white paint. There was a dirty looking water purifier attached to the faucet. It was white plastic - but looked dingy and old and it had red stuff caked to it. I thought it was spagetti sauce. Someone was in the house with me. I can't see her but I know it is a girl. Ithink it might be Angela. She is just getting something before heading backt o the beach. I say This is a cute place/. She says yeah, it looks cute but there's blood everywhere. I think for a moment. I don't recall seeing any blood...it's a little dingy, old and dirty but no blood. I say this to her. She says, look at the faucet. I look and again I see the caked on spagetti sauce. I tell her I thought it was just spagetti sauce. She said it's not, it's blood. I look a little closer and see tyhat perhaps it is but I'm not sure. I suddenyl get a creepy feeling about the house and I want to get out onto the vbeach with my friends. I am looking for my stuff in the house. The house only has a couple of rooms. When you walk in you walk directly into the kitchen, Then there is a small living room...and that is all I ever see of the house but I know there isn't much more - maybe a dirty old b athroom someplace and a few bedrooms. The living room is next to the kitchen and the kitchen is visible from the living room through one of those window things cut out of an interior wall. But now that I think about it, the interior window is in the same spot as the exterior window above the sink. ANyways. I notice now that the couch is contemporary couch with camel back and rolled arms. It is the same couch I had in my newlywed days except my couch was deep purple and this one is dark blue. I also notice now that the rooms are decorated in Navy blue and white toile. There are pretty wiondow treatments - relaxed roman shaded in blue and white toile with blue fringe. The house still looks worn but it looks a little better with the treatments and furniture. There are clothes laid out in a line on the floor. I am looking for my stuff among all the belongings of all my freinds. Someone is in the room with me. I can't see who it is but it is a guy. I don't know this guy but he is a friend of a friend or a friend of a friend of a friend. So I try to relax and hurry to get myself ready to meet my friends on the beach. We talk casually about the house. He was telling me that the house had some bad things happen inside so its spirit is evil...and the people who come inside of it get possessed by it. I am creeped out. He is creeping me out. I decide to forget about the swimsuit and get onto the beach...even though I still have my gown on. It is a long, very long, heavy, elegant cream colored dress - silk taffeta. It is fitted and gathered all over. strapless. It has a trailing hemline. It looks like a wedding dress. I rush out onto the beach holding my dress up. The guy is following me casually - still talking. I tell him I'll see him later - I'm going to meet my friends on the beach. Suddenly he is on top of me. He is trying to rape me. I am on the ground, on the sand, on my back. He is on top of me - he is heavy, strong, unkempt. I am fighting him - kicking him and trying to free my hands. I realise he is trying to rape me. I am horrified and pissed. I think about trying harder to get free - but I know I am weaker than him simpoly because he is a man adn I am a woman and that I won't be able to free myself. I decide that Id on't want to be raped. I would rather just concede to this disgusting man than be a rape victim. So I settle down and let him have jis way with me. I feel him penetrate me and I worry that he will get me pregnant or worse. He isn't wearing a condom and he doesn't appear to have one...and neither do I. His rythmn gets faster and I know he is almost finished. I am thinking please pull out, please pull out...and he does. Thank god. (It is shocking to me, even in the dream as I realise in some capacity that I am dreaming that he actually penetrated me because I don't ever ever remeber actually being penetrated ina ny sex dream -usually something happens to interefere or I wake up) andyways. I get up and go back to the house. I tell myself it's no big deal - it's just sex. I didn't get raped...but inside I know, I really got raped and I am upset by it and I am trying not to think about it and not think I was raped and not be upset by it.

Now I see my friends coming back up the beach. Toward the house. I am thinking about what happened and htinking why they weren't there to help me or why I wan't on the beach with them I am thinking maybe I am a slut and I wanted this to happen ...then I think nothing happened. I did not get raped. I just ahad meaningless sex but I feel guilty and dirty for it. I wonder which is worse...I wonder if I should tell my friends what happened. I decide I shouldn't. They wouldn't understand. Noone would understand. I see Angela and Dianne a little further off. I am eager for their company. Even if they don't know what happened to me I will still find comfort in their company. There will be another big party tonight but first we will eat something in that divey house and get ready - make ourselves pretty and the guys will hang out in the living room drinking beer.

That's the dream...