Free Stuff

Dan has a fetish.

What is it?

The man loves...I mean LOVES free stuff.

Normally he is an easy-going, jovial guy. But when there is free stuff involved, his eyes blaze with lusty desire and he becomes ruthlessly driven and shameless greedy.

He will take anything if it is free...he will even pay for stuff if he gets something for free.

He has a subscription to Sports Illustrated that he bought for the "free" NFL Championship T-shirt and video tape. He never reads the magazine...as a matter of fact, as soon as it comes in the mail I throw it right into the trash so it doesn't take up my valuable kitchen counter space.

He also has a subscription to ESPN magazine that he doesn't read...I don't remember what he got for "free" but I'm sure it's crap.

Oh, and he has that subscription to Men's Health magazine which he subscribed to in order to get the free Sexual Tips manual. But, I found out today that he actually does read this magazine. Know how? Well, today when he came home from work I leaned toward him to give him a little kiss. We had a short, sweet, uncomplicated kiss...and then he did this funny little pat, pat, pat thing on my back. I laughed and was like, "What was with that pat, pat, pat thing?" He said, "I read in Men's Health that non-sexual kisses help lower blood pressure and anxiety. They say that getting kisses with expectations causes stress and anxiety." We both chuckled and went about our business still thinking about that. So anyways, he does read Men's Health.

Anyways...he also has this obnoxious collection of T-shirts. He must have about fifty t-shirts (and would have more if I didn't periodically throw a few out)...and about half of them are shirts that he got free from someplace or for something.

Whatever.

I don't really care too much if he wears free t-shirts and free baseball caps. But I hate it when he clutters our home with ugly, stupid free toys...and I especially hate it when he brings home free cups...of any sort - mugs, pilsners, glasses...I hate them all! They are ugly and tacky!! UGLY and TACKY Dan! I don't care if they are FREE.

I don't know why he loves to get free stuff so much. I guess it's the idea of getting something for nothing. He probably feels like he has to work so hard to get everything that when he gets stuff for free it's just really awesome. But...I really REALLY HATE FREE STUFF!!! They're always Ugly and Tacky!

Actually, I did get a little freebie of sorts today.

I was walking around the yard, surveying my gardens when I spied something shooting out of the ground beside my beloved weeping cherry tree. Went I stooped down to inspect the offending shoot I discovered it was a tiny little weeping cherry tree. My darling cherry had sprouted a little baby.

"Awe...Congratulations ol' girl."

Suddenly my eyes set ablaze with lusty desire and shameless greed. I reached down, wrapped my fist around it's tender little stalk and yanked it from the ground...roots, mulch and clumps of dirt. I carried it ruthlessly up into the courtyard and plunked it onto the ground. I was delirious with delight. I ran to get my shovel and grabbed a bag of soil. Like a woman possessed I dug a hole for "my pretty" and replanted it in the corner. "Wa hahhhaaaahaaa!!" I got a free tree today!!!

So, I guess there are some things that are nice to get for free...like free plants...free cars...free cable...free drinks...free sex...

Dan, if you want anymore free sex from me, don't bring home anymore free stuff!