I had a dream about Rich last night. I found myself outside a quaint country church. It was white with some red brick and a lovelyt white steeple. It was on a hilltop with a green grassy lawn leading up to it and there was a tree set slightly to the side of the lawn, to the right if you are facing the church. I think it was like an oak tree orsomething but somehow it seemed more willowy. I think in the dream you were getting married to Irene. I saw her in the dream...or some representation of her, a blond woman, older with a thick Russian accent. I remember feeling an urgency to stop this wedding...and I entered the church despite the fact that someone...I don't know who...it actually felt like more than one person...was tryig to convince me not to go inside. The church was dark with dim lighting...candles? small lights? idk. So anyways...I sat down in a seat...but the seats were not pews like in a church they were more like those in an auditorium like at a large university. And the aisles were tight so I climbed over the back of the last row of the front section to sit in the second to the last row of that front section...it was probably like 10 rows from the front which was like a stage in an auditorium with a podium. I watched quietly, helplessly as you got married and then I discovered, after the ceremony, upon talking to your bride, that you and Irene had a child together, a small toddler boy and another one on the way...and I saw you watching me talking to her...and I could see the pain and explaination in your eyes of why you married her, even though you didn't really want to. Obligation and responsibilty. So this little boy...so cute, in a tiny tuxedo with dark brown hair neatly combed to the side, framing his cherublike face, was going to where the kids go during mass...downstairs to the basement area...and so I followed him. And there I saw my own little boys busily happily painting some sort of ceramic project. I wanted to paint to...because it's something I love to do...mix colors, feel the smotth creamy texture of the paint gliding across material...and the satisfaction of the end result. So I lined up with th kids...and there were all these trays to put paint in...and dozens of bottles of colorful paints - acrylic in squirt bottles...but the trays were all shaped like objects, like houses and stuff...except my tray was plain, it had 4 little compartments to put paint in...and I was gonna squirt some in a tray for myself but the teacher wanted to do it for me so I let her but she was chossing such aweful color combinations...and messily combining them so the colors got muddled. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I took the tray but I just couldn't stand to work with those so I tossed the palette and snuck over to make myself a palletable pallette. I could see now that everyone else was finishing up and I had not even begun yet so I hurried to get my paints and kept squirting too much out of the bottle and couldn't find the colors I wanted. And the teacher was trying to get everyone and everything cleaned up and all the kids kept coming up to me to show me what they did and some of the things were terrible and some were ok but none were great because after all they were just little kids but nonetheless I oohed and awed and found something wonderful to tell all the kids...but still I didn't have a chance to get to my own thing. I don't know what happened after this...maybe I woke up or switched to another dream.
Then I had this other dream about horses...I was driving home...to my parents home in Tewksbury...and I saw a horse...a beautiful horse with properly trimmed main, reddish gold colored. Somehow I knew she was a mare. I drove home quickly and grabbed a halter and lead to go catch her before she got hurt in traffic. THe onyl halter and lead I could find were very heavy but I didn't have time to waste looking for a better set. SO I ran up the street lugging it along and spotted the mare across the busy street. She was scared and not thinking well. She saw me and was trying to come to me. BUt the was puttin gherself in danger in the process so I started to try to cross the busy street to get to her. Somehow she managed to get to my side of the street. But she was so freaked out she couldn't stay still long enough for me to slip the halter on...and she took off again, on flight, fleeing from some perceived danger...but she regained her head momentarily and came back to me and I managed this time to get the halter on and lead her back to the barn...but not calmly...she was very nervous and skittish but I remained calm and I knew she trusted me. When I got back to the barn I tucked her safely in a stall at the back of the barn. When I came out of the barn and looked around I saw all these mamed horses...they were all wearing their winter blankets, dingy, brown, dirty and tattered. They were tied to the outside of the fence of a pastuer. IT was growing dark and it was very windy and damp and cold....and the horses were all unhappy and pacing or resisting the tie. There was one horse in particular that had no back legs. All the horses had something terribly wrong with them. But this one I rememeber most vividly. He was trying to break free. And I was astonished that he could somehow stand/walk/move on just 2 front legs...very awkwardly but nonetheless functioning in some capacity. I felt so sad for this beautiful marelous creature and thought how cruel...why do they make him live like that? Why didn't they put the poor guy down?

Pinball

Lurking in the shadows
glowing mysteriously
blinking
beckoning
flashing
flirting
calling out my name



The pinball machine kaching


comforts me
shape has seen no change
rules remain the same
and I know how to play this game


kaching kaching
in go my quarters
out comes the ball


silver and small
hard and round
built for distance and speed


pull the trigger
let it pop
adrenaline
anticipation
greed


blink
flash
ping 
ding


the ball flies into the field
I flip the flippers and whack the ball
trying to control it's destiny
every time I whack that ball it bounces into something else
and bounces into something else
only to bounce into something else
or speed curiously around a metal curve
or down a glistening rail


where is it going
what is it doing
the chaos is driving me


flapping and flipping
and banging and bucking
the sinister sneaky thing


I've lost control
the ball got away
it's rolling
exhausted
frenzied
dismayed
down the main drag
toward the exit


hoping
praying
desperately praying
to not get hit again
to end he cruelty
and not be forced to play again

Eventually the ball gets swallowed whole into a gaping hole.



So, do you ever really win this game? 


Never. 


Noone ever wins this game and you are all fools for playing.

Mystery Dan

Last night I was lying on top of my sister's bed...staring up at the ceiling...feeling very small and lonely...I found myself missing Dan...very much. I found myself wishing I had his warm body to snuggle up against and his strong arms around me to let me know I wasn't alone and I was safe. I didn't think about his beer belly...or his loud snore. I missed his smell, warmth and comforting presence...and I missed his voice, masculine and boyish in the same breath. It suddenly occurred to me that I have this feelig of "missing Dan" all the time...and I have been trying desperatly to escape it because it hurts so much that he can be so close to me and yet so far away...and then somehow I remembered that before he was a cool, hardened perfect husband and father, he was a mystery that I wanted to uncover. He was this big, beefy, happy, friendly guy that was trying to hide his fragility...and it was his fragility and the mystery of that delicate soul that intrigued me.

I do love him...and I want to know him but I think after 20 years of trying to uncover him I have grown weary and decided that perhaps there is nothing to discover...but I think I am wrong. I think he is still a mystery to me...and to himself.

Rapunzel

WHO AM I?

In no particular order:

mother
daughter
sister
wife

lover
artist
musician
poet

scholar
puzzle solver

appreciator of beautiful things

lover of animals
rider of horses
keeper of two gorgeous dogs

culinary master
fabulous entertainer
writer of insight to pain

naive optimist
romantice pessimist
jogger to run from the strain

life of the party
daily napper
trying to hold off insane

very fast driver
very meak eater
doesn't eat breakfast or lunch

lightening fast fingers play dizzying runs and
pound chords with a powerful punch

long legs, athletic and lean
luscious lips, Colgate smile
but stomach could use a tuck

tight butt
cute little eyes
long thick and silky mane

Head turner
Eye catcher
Charming and quirkily keen

Coordinated mover
Awesome dancer
Clumsy and hates to clean

Always looks great
Always knows what to say
Everyone wants to be near her

Often feels sad
Helpless and bad
Just wants someone to get her

Ultimate romantic
Really a skeptic
of truly eternal love

Constantly seeking
hoping and keeping
a vigile for substance and depth

Believes in mind over matter
destiny and fate
Where there's a powerful will there's a way

But stuck in a tower
protected from harm
She doesn't know how to get down

Lived in denial
Now seeing the trial
that lies up the road just ahead

Terrified
Petrified
Immobilized by comfort and name

I am Rapunzel
I let down my hair
But I know that not even a prince
can climb up this mane
and take me from here
and a little bit closer to there

So Rapunzel Rapunzel
Take up that hair
Stop crying and making a fuss
your smart and resourceful
good and kind
you can get yourself down from here

Symphonic Soliloquey

The orchestra plays with synergy
instruments fused in sound
zig zagging through space
following some mysterious time

entangling each body
and confusing every mind
a complex rhapsody is played
of the mixed up crazy kind

But if pay you attention
and listen very close
you might feel the isolated ring
of hammer hitting string

block out all the other sounds
a b c d e
major
minor
a dissonant one liner
my lonely piano pleas

don't listen to the harmony
or skip to the refrain
just feel me in this melody
of cadence chord and key

I'm playing all these endless notes
in proper rythmic time
Masking my confusion
all is not sublime

ebony and ivory voice words I cannot sing
It's the shouting of profanities
a constant throbbing sting

regrettfulness and pain
run desperatly through the scales
and anger hurt resentment
pound out a viscious tale

I'm playing out a simple tune
of single piano notes
It's a sad sad secret melody
it's my symphonic soliloquey