Disappointing Eyes

Last night I had nightmares all night long about my sister and my brother...the last 2 vestiges of faith in me. They were so angry at me. They are so angry with me. Because they are completely exhausted by me...exhausted and exasperated by me.

I dreamt of my brother's imposing figure towering over me as his razor sharp eyes stabbed me over and over while his biting tongue lashed me mercilessly telling me how disgusting I am and what a waste of a person I am. His eyes speak of utter complete disdain, disgust and disappointment toward me.

THen there was my sister whose disappointment in itself is enough to send me to my grave...a watery grave of tears. Her weapon is much more subtler than my brother's. Her weapon is to tell me how selffish and self centered I am and how I suck the life out of everyone and how she would do anything for me and that I take everything and anyone for granted...that she tries so hard to help me and understand me but she just can't understand why I act or react the ways I do. Her eyes are filled with confusion and torment about me...and disappointment.

Then of course there is Dan whose eyes are so filled with betrayal and hurt and responsibility. How can I ever look into those eyes again without feeling so horribly disappointed with myself?

I haven't seen my mother or father since everything unraveled...I haven't seen any of my friends...or those that used to claim to be my friends...and I am afraid to see what lurks in their eyes...probably some combination of sympathy and disappointment for my pathetic state of insanity.

I used to be someone that people saw beauty and perfection in...the creatively caring mother, the exuberant loving wife, the fabulous, fun-time girlfriend who also had an empathetic ear...

Now I am just a totally pathetic, hurtful disappointment.

The Tree in the Smoking Courtyard

I found this today in the notebook that I kept at the hospital.

The tree in the smoking courtyard is a very large tree with a very large and very thick trunk.

It stands - the lone tree - in the center of the yard.

The tree is stuck in hard, dry, dusty dirt where it clings desperatly to the barren foundation. It is clearly lacking substantive nutrition as it appears sickley and weak. It has barely any bark and stands nearly skinless. It is protected from the elements by only a scaley, pale, greenish-grey moss that covers it from trunk to limb like a psoriasis of the most terrible kind. Beneath all that crustiness it is a pale unhealthy shade of yellow.

The tree has many thick, loopey, U-shaped branches that rise up toward the sky. Most of them are broken...snapped off...midflight...ironicaly similar to the people that sit around it. Dozens of these U-shaped branches shoot out from the top of the tree's trunk. They conjure up images of corpses dangling calmly from knooses. It is a peaceful thought, albeit morbid, to think of being released from pain and anguish with a leap of faith and a quick snap. It is liberating to sit in this "prison" courtyard and imagine swaying with the breeze in this tantric dance with the breeze. It is a twisted lullaby mocking those in view with silent lyrical tauntings. It is a quiet game played with the smoke filled air.

The tree stands rigid in it's spot despite the gusting wind and pounding rain...despite the lack of sunlight and oppressive shade. This tree, seemingly at the end of the line keeps growing... struggling...to sprout new branches. It fights to stretch up past the shadows and into the clarity of the open sky above. It works toward the day when someone might view it's U-shaped loopey branches in a more optimistic way...perhaps as a fun place to climb or a nice place to a swing from seat.

The tree in the smoking courtyard continues to struggle silently toward the sunshine...immobilized by form but not defeated.

Don't Try...Please

Don't try to change me...please just accept me.
Don't try to understand me...please just be with me.
Don't try to guide me....please just stay beside me.
Don't try to own me...please just hold me.
Don't try to control me...please just let me be.
Don't try to make me happy...please just be happy.
Don't try to give me what I want...please just give me your love... unconditionally, whole-ly, freely.

Don't expect anything from me...cuz I'll only let you down.

Ignorance as Bliss

I am perched at the pinnacle of change. But there's a big big drop on every side and the valley is too wide to see what's at the top of the next steep climb.


I wish I was a bird so I could fly fly away. I would soar above the peaks and see exactly where all the pathways lead. Hindsight and foresight would be 20/20...or whatever number a birds-eye vision is. If I were a bird I could choose where I wanted to land knowing what was behind me and also what lay ahead.


I wish I was a barnacle stuck to the side of a seaside rock. I could predict the rhythm of every day with as much accuracy as the changing of the moon...I could be exactly as I am and if anyone stepped on me they woud just get cut by their own fault.


I wish I was a mirror so when people looked at me they would catch a glimpse of themselves with all the faults of their own humanity. And if they couldn't stand it and broke me to pieces then they would cut themselves on themselves.


I wish I was a whisper of a gentle breeze floating across the Caribbean landscape in an exotic resort. Then I could lull lovers closer together and whoosh the real world further away.


I wish I was ignorant to all my flaws and to all the people around me. Then I could just be peaceful with ignorance as bliss.