Disappointing Eyes

Last night I had nightmares all night long about my sister and my brother...the last 2 vestiges of faith in me. They were so angry at me. They are so angry with me. Because they are completely exhausted by me...exhausted and exasperated by me.

I dreamt of my brother's imposing figure towering over me as his razor sharp eyes stabbed me over and over while his biting tongue lashed me mercilessly telling me how disgusting I am and what a waste of a person I am. His eyes speak of utter complete disdain, disgust and disappointment toward me.

THen there was my sister whose disappointment in itself is enough to send me to my grave...a watery grave of tears. Her weapon is much more subtler than my brother's. Her weapon is to tell me how selffish and self centered I am and how I suck the life out of everyone and how she would do anything for me and that I take everything and anyone for granted...that she tries so hard to help me and understand me but she just can't understand why I act or react the ways I do. Her eyes are filled with confusion and torment about me...and disappointment.

Then of course there is Dan whose eyes are so filled with betrayal and hurt and responsibility. How can I ever look into those eyes again without feeling so horribly disappointed with myself?

I haven't seen my mother or father since everything unraveled...I haven't seen any of my friends...or those that used to claim to be my friends...and I am afraid to see what lurks in their eyes...probably some combination of sympathy and disappointment for my pathetic state of insanity.

I used to be someone that people saw beauty and perfection in...the creatively caring mother, the exuberant loving wife, the fabulous, fun-time girlfriend who also had an empathetic ear...

Now I am just a totally pathetic, hurtful disappointment.