Last night I was lying on top of my sister's bed...staring up at the ceiling...feeling very small and lonely...I found myself missing Dan...very much. I found myself wishing I had his warm body to snuggle up against and his strong arms around me to let me know I wasn't alone and I was safe. I didn't think about his beer belly...or his loud snore. I missed his smell, warmth and comforting presence...and I missed his voice, masculine and boyish in the same breath. It suddenly occurred to me that I have this feelig of "missing Dan" all the time...and I have been trying desperatly to escape it because it hurts so much that he can be so close to me and yet so far away...and then somehow I remembered that before he was a cool, hardened perfect husband and father, he was a mystery that I wanted to uncover. He was this big, beefy, happy, friendly guy that was trying to hide his fragility...and it was his fragility and the mystery of that delicate soul that intrigued me.
I do love him...and I want to know him but I think after 20 years of trying to uncover him I have grown weary and decided that perhaps there is nothing to discover...but I think I am wrong. I think he is still a mystery to me...and to himself.
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Sometimes, you need to be worlds apart to find each other again.
My parents fought a lot when I was growing up, but they were equally affectionate. So I never felt like they didn't really love each other. I remember crying when they'd yell, I remember being scared. But I didn't have a bad childhood. I knew they loved each other and me.
Some yelling and fighting isn't bad. It shows children that relationships aren't all easy things and that sometimes you have to fight. It gives a realistic view. But there is a time when it's passed that... Only you know whether it's passed that point or not.
~Lily
I wish you would have seen that all I ever wanted in life was you. All I ever wanted was to bring you closer to me. I do miss you so much too, but I feel it is far too late for us to go back now and I don't feel that you even want to try. I feel sorry for the way you feel and just wish you expressed it sooner we could have done this so much eaisier. Well you have opened up the mystery of me you have found that fragility you were looking for. You have pulverized my heart to a million peices and now I am here trying to keep my composure for the kids sake. I wish you were upfront about all this before you took the actions that you took we could have figured this out we could have changed our lives for the better, but now we must go our seperate paths. Who knows what tommorow will bring. I wish you could live in the here and now with us and accept that the future is what you make of it. After all the material things are gone in our lives all that is left is our love for eachother. A love that from my side was never waving never fading. I loved you with all I had. I can't give anymore.
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