Strategies for losing weight

My baby is almost 2 years old. I am still 25 lbs over my pre-Colin weight. In other words - I have not lost a single pound of "baby weight". I'm pretty sure it can no longer be considered "baby weight".

At first I tried to tell myself that I was retaining water. Then I tried to tell myself a lot of that weight was muscle from lugging around a big, healthy baby boy. Then I said, the weight will come off when it's ready. I kept telling myself, don't think about your body, it's so vain...and anyways, everyone always says I look great...for someone with 3 kids (I hate that qualifying comment).

Well, the pics from Disney tell the awful truth - I am a jiggly, full-figured, matronly woman - even for someone with 3 kids.

In the past, I found that the baby weight took about a year to melt away and it did so when my body was ready - regardless of how much or how little I ate and ran around. But it's 2 years later and I've run out of excuses and I'm tired of feeling bad about my body.

The thing is, I always find that diets tend to backfire on me. Whenever I diet, I find myself obsessing over food. In the end I usually gain weight. So, I am determined to get back to my svelte size 6 frame. I am determined to regain my bodily self-confidence...and, my psychic told me I was going to lose weight this year.

It's going to be really tough though because I really love food. I love to cook it, I love to read about it, I love to watch shows about it. I love gourmet food and junk food alike. I especially love having a full course dinner every week on date nite.

So, I've come up with some strategies to help me regain my figure.

1) Drink lots of water - even if it means you will need to pee frequently

2) Eat lot of small meals

3) Eat smaller portions and try not to be a member of the "clean plate club"

4) DO NOT eat the left-over mac-n-cheese from the kid's plates.

5) Do not watch tv shows in which people eat a lot. I noticed that when I watch shows in which people eat a lot I get very munchy.

Shows to avoid:
Love Monkies: They are ALWAYS eating in this show! This is the show that turned me on to the "watch and eat syndrome". I think this show has been discontinued. Good!

Survivor: Even though they don't eat food in this show, it was a favorite perversion of mine to eat food while I watched them starve.

Any show with cute little teenie boppers prancing around. Too depressing - they make me feel fat AND old and I start to feel like "what's the point"

Cooking shows: for obvious reasons

Television shows that are safe to watch:

Sex and the City: They don't eat food in this show. They just drink martinis...and that goes well with my evening glass of wine and Su Doku.

Fear Factor: Contains grotesque images that will kill any appetite

Sponge Bob: Non-sensical, silly comedy is always a good thing

ESPN: I am so disinterested in sports that watching this will just lull me right to sleep and I don't have to worry about getting a sudden craving

6) I've also decided to be wary of certain types of literature.

Things to avoid "reading":

Cooking magazines

Victoria's Secret catalogue

Fashion magazines

Playboy magazine - just kidding...I don't look at the pics in that...I read the articles;0

I also decided that I should avoid looking at my sister who has a perfect, beautiful, completely fat-free, size 2 figure. This should be pretty easy since she lives in LA...but will be difficult when I hook up with her in Miami in May.

Things that are safe to "read":

Georgetown Crier

TV Guide

People magazine

Playgirl magazine

7) As for meals, I also have some strategies. I decided that a major contributor to my husband's and my own weight issue is that the food I prepare just tastes and looks too good. So, I decided that I will try cooking foods that taste terrible and look terrible. I will try to burn as much food as possible and try to invent unpalletable combinations of ingredients. If this doesn't work, I will simply try cooking the same thing all the time - like plain oatmeal. In this way, we will be so bored with the food that we will not be tempted to over-eat.

Still. I feel like the tv and meals are not going to be enough to cut through 25 lbs of fat.

8) So I've decided to work in a little time on the elliptical machine that I bought last year, one week before we headed off to our usual winter-time escape in the Dominican and have not touched since.

(by the way, I forgot to mention another thing I hated about Disney was that there were way too many hot mommies hanging around the pool. I much prefer our usual winter destination in the Dominican where there are mostly slovenly ladies lounging around sipping pina coladas and smoking cigarettes)

The working out will be the hardest part of this "diet" as I really hate to exercise. It's not that I'm sedentary. Actually, I am anything but that. It's just that I prefer to do something productive, like dig a six foot trench in the desert.

Aren't there many other ways to burn calories than by running a marathon or being glued to a machine for an hour? Apparently not. Recently, my doctor asked me what I do for exercise. I told her that I chase around and clean up after 3 little boys, a big, hairy man and a furry, black dog. She told me that doesn't count. I don't know why that doesn't count...it leaves me hot, sweaty and exhausted every day!

**If anyone has any good strategies for losing weight...or is aware of some miracle pill..or a good weight-loss hypnosis therapist in the Boston area, I welcome feedback**