Terrible Thoughts

Last night I watched the movie, Cinderella Man. The movie takes place during the depression era. In the movie the main character is struggling to support his starving family. That aspect of the movie really struck a nerve with me.

My family lives a very comfortable life. Although I try to teach my children to be thankful for their priviledged life, I'm sure they take it for granted. But I don't. The thought is always lurking in my mind that something could happen and all this would disappear. Life would become very difficult and there would be a lot of real sadness. The thought of seeing my children hungry or cold is almost unbearable. But I suppose it's a thought that should be dealt with so that if something should happen we are better prepared. So, thinking about this also stirred up other scary thoughts I've had which were brought on by things that I've seen or read about - Schindler's List, The Pianist, Joy Luck Club...3 that jump to mind.

So, being in this morbid frame of mind, the topic of the day was Terrible Thoughts That Have Entered My Mind. I really wish I didn't start this list because it has put a giant knot in my stomach and fear in my heart.

But. Here is what I came up with in 30 Minutes on the Machine:

Terrible Thoughts that have Entered my Mind

Children:
If there is a terrible war or natural disaster and I had to escape with the children (without Dan's help and without a car) how would I manage to get away. One plan I devised included strapping a child on my back and putting the other two in the jogger. But now Colin is too big to carry for very long and Alex and Brand are so heavy that pushing them both at the same time is a challenge. Time to think of a new plan.

If something happened that I could only save one child, who would it be. Probably whoever is closest to me.

If something happened that I had to choose one child to stay with me, who would that be. Can't even begin to decide this one. This scenario is a truly horrible scenario - to tell me to make a conscientious decision about which child to save and which to abandon...I saw this happen in a movie but can't remember which one...probably one of those movies about the holocast - Schindler's List??

If something happened where I needed to go into hiding, where would I hide. I have no idea...Maybe I'd crash with Lori - but she already has 4 kids so maybe that would be more chaos than salvation...Jas, you're a farm boy - we could hide out in the barn...or maybe Canada and crash with Gary. Canada's always been a safe haven and Gary is a compassionate man. Yeah...I think Canada with Gary would be the best option.

What would the kids do if I suddenly collapsed, unconscious when noone else was around. I need to make sure they know how to dial 911.

What if we suddenly lost it all and had no money - like in the depression. We'd still have each other.

Blake:
My dog is getting old and I worry that one day I will find him gone. I actually didn't wash him all winter because I was afraid it would be his last bath. He's a very clean dog (licks himself like a cat and doesn't like to muck around outside so he doesn't get stinky. But his breath can use some serious help.

What would happen if I put Blake and a cat in the same room? I think the cat would kick his butt.

Airplanes and Trains:
What if it crashes.
What if some crazy person decides to open the door.
What if there is a terrorist onboard.

Dead Animals:
How did that dead mouse in the barn die? Did one of the horses love it to death? or did they trample it after it died.

What happened after that dead beaver in the road got hit by the car...did it die instantly or did it live long enough to crawl to the side of the road.

Elevators:
What if the cable suddenly snaps.

Standing on a Ledge:
What if the ledge crumbles beneath me.
What if someone bumps into me or pushes me.
What if I just get clumsey and slip off.

Beaches:
What if one of the kids wanders away and can't find his way back and I can't find him.
What if the undertow takes one of the kids away.
Is that a shark out there?

Cooking:
What if I trip carrying a pot of boiling water.
What if my sleeve catches on fire.
What if the knife slips while chopping amd cuts of my fingers.

Illness:
What if I pass something off as a passing cold or something and it turns out to be something life threatening - like menengitis.

Riding:
What if I fall off and break my neck.
What if I fall off and my foot gets caught in the stirrup.
What if one of the horses gets really spooked on day and tramples me.
If I'm out for hack by myself and I fall and get seriously injured, how will I get home, how long will it be before anyone notices I'm missing.
Will today be the day that I meet my end in the manure pile?

Sanity:
If I'm nutz, how would I know it.

Driving:
What if the breaks fail.
What if my car gets submerged.

Accidents:
What if one of the boys trips while carrying scissors and takes out an eye.
What if one of the boys cracks his skull open on one of the border rocks.
What if one of us slips down the stairs and breaks their neck.
What if one of the boys cracks their head open on the corner of a piece of furniture while rough housing.
If I fell into a cavernous pit and my leg was wedged between two rocks, with no way out and no one to help me out - would I sit there and die or would I cut my own leg off.


That's what I came up with in 30 Minutes on the Machine. Jeesh! I have a lot of fears!! I think I need therapy...or a beer and a cigarette.